


Puns of the Qun

by WhereIsTheSun



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Bad Puns, Flirting with puns, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4653936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereIsTheSun/pseuds/WhereIsTheSun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dorian tries to beat Bull at his own game, terrible wordplay ensues</p>
            </blockquote>





	Puns of the Qun

Dorian knew he couldn’t allow this to continue, couldn’t go on like this. He simply couldn’t cope anymore. The Bull’s puns _had_ to stop. He remembered the moment that cemented this fact exactly.

 

They were on one of the Inquisitor’s little excursions, fighting Venatori as they so often did. Dorian raised spirits from the ground to attack his foes, and in the heat of the moment was not picky about who or what he was raising up. Judging by the mix of spirits that rushed – well, _galloped_ – forward, it seemed that some horses had fallen there in previous battles. When the fighting was finished and they were all catching their breath, the Bull turned to Dorian with the glint in his eye that Dorian had quickly learned was a precursor to the terrible wordplay that the Bull clearly counted as flirtation.

 

He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for the inevitable.

 

“Heh, so you raised up some old war horses, huh?” The Bull began, “Got them to fight one last time, even though they already died in combat?” He had what must be the most infuriating grin Dorian had even seen. “Wouldn’t you say that’s kind of… _flogging a dead horse_? Get it, Dorian? Dorian wait did yo–”

 

Dorian walked briskly away, unable to bear one more moment in that infuriating oaf’s company. He decided then and there that he would try to beat the Bull at his own game. And he resolutely, absolutely, not if the breach swallowed the whole of Thedas, did NOT think of it – even the _tiniest_ bit – in his own mind, as flirting back.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

The Chargers loved it. It seemed to become some kind of sport for them, watching Dorian shoot down the Bull’s terrible wordplay and puns. When they were all drinking in the tavern and could see the Bull gearing up for (what he would consider) a ‘good one’, they would sometimes place bets on which of Dorian's three methods he would shoot the Bull down with.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

The first, and easiest, method that Dorian especially favoured if Krem was within hearing range, was giving scathing comebacks in Tevene. This would send Krem into fits of laughter, both of them ignoring the Bull’s whines (and Dorian couldn’t help but find it endearing that a man of the Bull’s imposing size and occupation would whine when he didn’t get his way) when they refused to translate. However, it wasn’t much fun if the other ‘Vint wasn’t around to hear it, so he often had to use one of his other two strategies.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

His second method was to give logical rebuttals in an attempt to steal the fun out of whatever ridiculous thing the Bull had come up with. It didn’t really work – in fact none of his methods did – as the Bull loved Dorian being ‘feisty’, as he would put it, and enjoyed the banter.

 

“Dorian.”

 

He resolutely did not look up from his book.

 

“Dorian.”

 

He turned the page.

 

“Dorian!”

 

He looked up then at the Bull’s not-quite-shout, knowing that he would only get louder and one of the others in the library would come to tell them off.

 

“What do you want, you absolute child?”

 

The Bull grinned that ~~endearing~~ infuriating grin. “So, if you were to come over here and give me a love bite,” he began, gesturing to his neck. The image that put in Dorian’s head pooled heat in his stomach, but he battled it down with the thought that it would soon be followed by the Bull’s particular brand of appalling jokes, “would that make you a _neck-romancer_?”

 

Dorian was blindsided momentarily by just how terrible that one was, but he recovered quickly, putting the book down and fixing the Bull with a condescendingly pitying look.

 

“Now Bull, for all those jokes I make about you being a savage, I really did think that you were able to spell words in Trade. I’ll give you a little lesson: it is necromancer, n-e-c-r-o-m-a-n-c-e-r, no ‘k’ in sight.”

 

The Bull guffawed. “That was a good comeback, well done.”

 

Dorian’s smug look broke into a genuine smile. “I know. Now be gone with you! From that little display it’s clear that you’ve no use for any of the books here,” he joked.

 

The Bull clasped a hand on Dorian’s shoulder as he walked past and left, caressing slightly as he released it.

 

Dorian’s smile lingered as he continued his research.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

His third and final method was to predict what the Bull was going to say, and beat him to it. This was the one Dorian found most satisfying as it sometimes left the Bull speechless, but it was also the hardest to achieve. He had to pay attention to everything, all the things he said or did that could prompt something from the Bull. It was rather exhausting. Dorian decided that the Bull’s frankly astounding ability to find even the tiniest thing to turn into a terrible pun must be some kind of partnership between the elements of the man that were Hissrad and the Bull – the Ben Hassarath trained agent was constantly observing and cataloguing the actions and words of others, and then the ~~lovable, charming~~ immature, jovial Bull was turning them into playful flirtations.

 

The Bull dropped down next to Dorian in the tavern where he was sitting slightly away from the rest of the crowd. It was a rather slow night, most everyone in the Tavern was one of the Chargers or part of the Inner Circle.

 

“You know, Dorian, the day we met you really caught my eye.”

 

Dorian turned to him. “Now I see – and that was _not_ a pun, Bull, don’t grin at me like that – two ways that you might end that one. Either insinuating that I was the one who took your missing eye, or something to the effect of ‘and that’s inconvenient because I don’t have one spare’.”

 

The Bull’s grin was the biggest Dorian had ever seen it. “I’m proud of you Dorian, you’re getting good at this!” He ignored Dorian’s good-natured grumblings about how it was not something to be proud of and continued, “But you missed the third response.”

Dorian groaned, “Bull, that has to be one of the worst ones yet, if not _the_ worst! It barely even made sense! And what was the third option, then?”

 

 

The Bull laughed. “Can’t blame a guy, I’m running out!” His smile was sincere, no longer a goofy grin, when he said: “As for the third response…a kiss?”

 

“Well, I never thought I would hear you admit that.” Dorian said. Then quieter, more intimate: “I could never kiss a man who has such a terrible method of flirting.”

 

“No?”

 

“Not ever.” But he was leaning towards the Bull, leaning up.

 

The Bull put a hand on his waist. “And if I promise not to do it again?”

 

“Don’t make promises I know you won’t even try to keep.”

 

The Bull’s low laugh ceased as their lips met.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

As they were catching their breath, lying sweaty and sated in bed, the Bull chuckled. Then tried to stifle it. Then looked at Dorian with that damned grin.

 

“Hey, Dorian, I made you moan so loud I’m surprised it didn’t-“

 

“Bull, I swear it, if the next words out of your mouth are ‘wake the dead’, I will _NEVER_ give you the opportunity to make me moan again.”

 

The Bull’s pout almost, _almost_ , made up for all those infuriating grins. Almost.

**Author's Note:**

> This was from a prompt on the kink meme about Dorian getting tired of Bull's puns and trying to turn it back on him - I lost the prompt though so I only remembered the gist of it (if anyone could point me in the right direction that would me much appreciated!) Also yes that title is terrible everything is terrible I am terrible don't look at me...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed
> 
> Edit: found the prompt! http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/13890.html?thread=56262466#t56262466


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